Top 10 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Car Guy/Gal

A great bit of wisdom is the old proverb that it’s better for the world to think you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Many people want to be a car enthusiast these days, but upon peeking behind the industry curtain they realize that there’s a LOT to learn. And for a number of them, it’s tough to admit when they don’t know something or to ask for help from a more knowledgeable source. And unfortunately, these fake-it-till-you-make-it types always manage to open their mouths and prove to the real auto enthusiasts just how much they don’t know. Remember: nothing will kill a conversation quicker than a line of bull, so if you’re eager to join the league of extraordinary car people, here are the top ten things you should never say to a car guy or gal.

“This gave me X amount of horsepower.”

This is a biggie. Many upgrades and power packages on the market today give estimated gains. But the truth is that there are so many factors to take into consideration that without an actual dyno test, you have no way of backing up those numbers you’re so quick to throw out.

Real auto enthusiasts will happily talk about the modifications they’ve made and the power gains they feel they’ve acquired over time. But to come out and say something is a definite number without ever using a dyno makes you sound like a goon—especially if you’re pushing a gimmicky upgrade.

Pretending that a slow car is actually fast after making the most basic of mods

This one comes up pretty often, and it’s definitely something you should never say to a car guy. Many newbies love to suggest that their daily drivers are actually fast cars. Sure, there are plenty of decent everyday models out there that achieve respectable speed. But compared to a true performance vehicle? They’ve got nothin’. Yes, modifications like cold air intakes and a good tune will make some differences in performance. But to suggest that basic upgrades could transform a sluggish car into a serious contender is the fast track to sounding bogus.

“That’s a chick car.”

Unless you’re discussing the unquestionably ridiculous Dodge La Femme of the 1950s, you just proved to everyone that you’re not a real car “guy”. A true enthusiast judges a vehicle on its capability, durability, and design—not the person driving it. Also, real car guys have the number of one or two chicks who could quickly put your “insider knowledge” to shame.

Falling for gimmicks and explaining the science behind them

There are a lot of snake oils and elixirs that take advantage of newcomers to the sport. It’s a shame that some manufacturers do things like selling turbines to fit in an intake manifold to produce more power, but if people are buying—they will sell it. Engine building is a long running tradition and there are proven methods to make more power. Don’t fall for the gimmicks. And if you do? Don’t try to convince car people they actually work. You’ll just sound like a buffoon.

“That sounds like too much work.”

Oh no, you didn’t. You should never say to a car guy that his beloved resto mod or decades-long project car seems like too much hassle. You can think it, sure, just don’t say it. That’s like saying someone has an ugly baby. By telling someone you would never invest the time or money that they so proudly have scrimped and saved, you’re implying that they have wasted theirs. And that, friends, is just bad form.

Saying you’ll build some outlandish power out of a bad engine

There are a lot of really great engines out there with the potential to make tremendous power. There are also many engines out there that are designed to operate well enough to get you to work every day.

A lot of newcomers dream of building something incredible from what they have to work with. And while that ambition is worth cultivating, trying to turn a grocery-getter into an all-out decimator is not. And letting others know about your plans is a surefire way to reveal your beginner status.

“Oh, I have a guy who can build that part.”

Everybody seems to know a guy who can “make anything” out of his home workshop. But too often it winds up being the guy who watched too many Fast and the Furious movies without actually taking the time to understand the science behind how it all works. Sure, there are plenty of seriously skilled hobbyists out there who do some amazing work. But if your buddy claims he’s going to build you a custom turbo setup in his Mom’s shed, with no prior experience or any real credibility to back up his word, you might want to reconsider that investment. And you might also want to reconsider telling real enthusiasts it’s going to happen. It’s a quick way to shut down the conversation.

Underestimating the cost of a build

There’s no secret that auto enthusiasm can be an expensive hobby. Even when you factor in parts, tools, and professional labor, there’s always unexpected expenses that pop up and take you by surprise. This is why we see so many unfinished projects turning up on Craigslist for other builders to finish.

Jumping in to an overly-ambitious first project car and claiming to have worked out every last expense, is a quick way to raise eyebrows and look like a noob. Real car guys will tell you—entering with an open mind and starting small is a tried-and-true path to success.

“I was just gonna use my all-season tires this winter.”

This is definitely something you should never say to a car guy, as it shows how much you have left to learn. True car nuts love their vehicles too much to sacrifice spirited driving—even (especially) in the snow. And they know that unless you live in a sunshine state, all-season tires are not actually all season. For better traction, grip, handling, peace of mind, and making those perfect “snownuts” in the grocery store parking lot, winter tires are a must.

Asking to test drive someone else’s ride.

No, just no. If you’re the type who asks for a test drive, go to the dealership. If a car guy is interested in letting you take his prized possession for a spin, he’ll hand you the keys and say, “Let’s go.” Basically, if you have to ask, then you’ll never get it.

Newcomers have a lot to learn. Even veterans of the field pick up a few new tricks every day. Ultimately, no matter how hard you try, sometimes you’re just going to sound like the new kid on the block. But as long as you’re open about your experiences and passion for cars runs deep, you’ll never sound like a poser.